How much time have you wasted clipping one toenail at a time? You’ll never get those minutes of your life back. But you don’t have to waste any more.
Have you ever clipped your toenails too far and they hurt for like forever? That’s going to happen a lot more now. You may even lose some toe meat. It will be worth it though. You’ll be able to take one more cat nap with the minutes you’ll save over a lifetime.
#2 Just Hanging Out
Want to do your part to make the subway a weirder place? Why not try this chin stand? It’s for sleeping while you’re standing up.
It’s also great for keeping subway crazies away. Now you’re one of them. And subway crazies don’t bother each other. It’s part of the code. You may even get union benefits if you commute like this long enough.
#3 You Can Eat It
What’s in the bowl? It’s poop that you can eat. This is just what the world needs.
We know that some people in the world are starving. But we’re pretty sure that even they would turn their noses up at this. This stuff is just barely edible. It’s literally just poop with the pathogens taken out. Why would anyone invent this?!
#4 Wash While You Walk
Wish that your washing machine wasn’t so stationary? Now you can take your laundry on the go.
All jokes aside, why on earth would you need this? We’ve all forgotten to do Sunday-night laundry. But what would be the point of washing on your way to work? And how would you dry them? We’re not even going to talk about the fact that there’s only room for underwear in there. These give a whole new meaning to the walk of shame.
#5 Who Needs Hearing Aids?
This way you can hear what everyone’s saying behind your back. They’ll mostly be talking about how crazy you look. But you’ll be able to hear it! You may also be able to pick up satellite feeds from space. Phone reception is probably pretty great too. But if anyone yells within 20 feet of you, your ears may bleed.
#6 Get Mopping
Got a useless baby lying around? Now you can put it to work. “You’re welcome” — The Japanese.
Babies are notoriously lazy. But this inventor said “No More. Let’s put all of that crawling around to work.” If your baby just lays there, crying for love and affection, he may need motivation. We suggest dangling a bottle in front of him and making him crawl for it. He should have to work for his dinner. Everyone else in the house does. It’s never too early to learn that there’s no such thing as a free ride.
#7 A Match Made in Loneliness
Loneliness isn’t just for men. Now there’s a pillow that she can share with her cats.
Tape a photo of Ryan Gosling’s face to the top and he’s just like a real boyfriend. You two can go to brunch and watch Lifetime together. Unfortunately, once you buy this pillow you can never date again. Nothing says forever alone like a man-pillow. It’s like kryptonite for any man you manage to lure back to your apartment. Unless, of course, that man has a lap pillow. Then you two are a match made in heaven.
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